Messing Up

  So a few weeks ago I was grating some carrots. I accidentally grated my thumb while doing the monotonous *skkrchh skkrchh* thing you do with the carrot. Bled everywhere and hurts like hell. But you know, it feels like a surface wound so I didn't think much of it. People get cuts all the time and then it heals, its normal.

  Fast forward to now, the wound has like a mini-pus thing I think. I hope its not an infection.

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 We interrupt the regular scheduled program to bring you this:

 I have applied for so many jobs in the past few days, still waiting to hear back from the companies. Job hunting is the ultimate hope snuffer. It's amazing that one must have experience despite applying for a part time sales rep position.

  As I was taking a break, one of the words my friend told me kept ringing through my mind. "You're kind of a huge mess"

  This friend has been with me for a long time since my German days. She apparently knows I have the tendency to mess up. One time, while we were out walking... European summer tends to be extremely hot, so we all brought a bottle of water. She carries a handbag, so we put the bottles inside her bag. I requested for my bottle, drank it, then closed it and put it back. Unfortunately, I didn't tighten the bottle properly, so her entire handbag got soaked. Wallet, phone, tissue paper, everything, drenched.

  I obviously have no intention to sabotage her entire handbag, but I messed up. And this isn't the only time this sort of thing happens:

  The other time, I noticed the knife was getting dull, so trying to be the good boyfriend I tried to sharpen it. What I didn't know was that you do not sharpen a ceramic knife like a steel knife, so I was kind of grinding it through the knife sharpener. The other mess up was blending carrots. Well, she was mad obviously, but she said it's fine because I didn't know better (I never owned a ceramic knife nor a blender prior, still don't).

  These are just examples of me messing up and affecting someone else, so they have a special place in my brain. The part of the brain that keeps me up at night when I try to sleep and the brain goes: "Hey! Remember all these things? You dumbass."

  When I mess up and it affects only me, I don't really think much about it. I tried really hard to bring up an example of it only affecting me. I guess one of it was my injury last summer, when I arrived late to the futsal game and did not warm up, which resulted in me not being able to walk for 3 months. I guess it affected the people playing the game that time in the sense that the mood to continue kind of died when I was lying on the floor motionless, not because I passed out but the pain was so severe that its easier not to move.

  The reason why my friend said that quote was that when she let me use her apartment in London, she kind of panicked about her keys when I was leaving. I told her: "Obviously I didn't forget the keys. If you do not have the keys, how are you suppose to return to your apartment?", and she replied with:"You will never know with you. I don't know if you notice, but you're kind of..." and you get the idea. I jokingly laughed at it at first, since I do admit that I kind of mess up the most trivial thing from time to time. But slowly, and insidiously, it made me reflect.

  I know that its normal to mess up from time to time, but I think for my case, it's more frequent that it should be. And even worse, it negatively affects the people nearest and dearest to me.

  I'm not gonna lie, this introspection made me afraid to get too close to people, for fear of screwing up something. It's super unhealthy, I know that immediately, but it's still there and it's one of the many hurdles I got to go through I guess.