So, I've been not in a very nice place lately. Many things has happened so maybe I thought by writing about it, it would help in one way or the other.
Where to begin, it started around a month ago. Assignments were piling up and exams were coming up. Not only that, I sprained my ankle horribly during my weekly football games. It was so bad that I couldn't stand, and needed 2 people to carry me around my own house. I didn't change or brush my teeth or anything that night, I could not physically do it, that's how painful the ankle was. The next day, my girlfriend broke up with me. The day after that was exam week. It was a well coordinated three-pronged strike between my university, my ex, and my body I guess. I didn't stand a chance.
I did not break down immediately though. I told myself: "Jeez, what a weekend. If I were to break down, I'm gonna do it after the exams." So I went through the exam week as normal, except with one less habit of speaking to someone beforehand, and also on crutches. Boy oh boy do crutches catches people's attention. My professors and employers were super nice and accommodated my condition. I was given the seat right next to the door and my work does not involve any of the "mobile" parts. I finished my exams and went to work. Not 30 minutes into it, I could feel it creeping up. I told my boss that I would like to go home and rest (having crutches helps misdirect whatever emotions I'm feeling). I called a cab home (I spent so much on taxi that week), and just weep.
After that week, mysteriously, the traditional summer came. Hot weather, no rain, no SNOW, sunny skies, etc. Oh, what did I do in my previous life to deserve this? People say that exercise is one of the best thing to do after a break up, but I couldn't do it as much as I want to. Every time I limp by a football field and see people playing on it, it makes me sad. I want to run around chasing a ball and stuff too. It's an extremely emasculating feeling, that after a break up, you literally could not physically stand up, that you need someone's help to even go down the stairs. It was horrible.
I don't know how well you know me, but I tend to keep people away with a "stick" of sorts. I tend to not get too chummy with people around me. Trust issues or something? I don't know, but that's just how I roll. The only people that I kind of not poke them too hard with the "stick" I guess is the people I date, and with that gone, not only it gets kind of lonely (obviously), I don't really have anyone to share this kind of sorrow with. I know some of you might think, "Hey, just go talk to your other friends" or "Come talk to me!", but it's not that simple. It never is that simple.
And till this day, my ankle and myself has not yet fully recovered. Although I can walk, my physio (and myself) advised me not to do any sports first. All I could do is walk. I couldn't even do those fast walk, because that would hurt my ankle. Every time there is a stinging pain, it reminds me of the break up. All I'm doing is sitting down indoors in a sunny day, living an extremely sedimentary lifestyle. I feel absolutely worthless. Like I'm this fat pig who couldn't move on (physically and emotionally) or something. I have not went to sleep with a smile (or even a neutral face) in a while. It's the absolute worst.
I'll try to write some good things about my life in the moment, but I guess that'll take some time.
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