Today's the last day of my physiotherapy (not because my ankle's fine, it's just that my insurance ran out and I don't want to pay $60 every visit), so my physio just gave me a bunch of exercises to do and told me that I would probably be able to start going back running (just running!) around 2 weeks. After getting home, my housemate and I cleaned the house, then I went to aikido, and now I am here, with a clean room and an extremely fatigue body typing this piece.
The neutrals. Oh boy, this one's tough. Some of the things that I will say sounds kind of very good, or very bad I think, but I don't know, for my case, it's kind of neutral. I don't think it would be long list too, it would probably just me rambling.
Ugh, it's been rough. As stated in the previous post, I'm just playing the waiting game now. I'm waiting for next semester to start, I'm waiting for a reply from the Canadian Immigration Agency (and hopefully good news with it), waiting for my ankle to fully heal. Basically, I feel like I do not have control over my life. This Man vs Time thing is no fun.
That being said, I have lots of time now. So, so, so much spare time. Spare time is usually a good thing yes? The problem is I just don't feel like doing anything. I kinda force myself to get up and do stuff. Constantly cleaning, tidying, reading, watching, finishing my assignments 1 week before the due date. I never did that! I usually wait till literally the last few hours, only then I have the motivation, but now I'm just floating around, doing nothing and also doing something. For the first time, I feel like the extra spare time is going against me.
I've been waking up at 7am recently. I am trying to foster a good habit of waking up early because I'm trying to prepare for next semester's class schedule, where I have classes early in the morning. Because of this, I'm also going to bed rather early (by my standards), latest 12am I think, usually around 11pm. The down side of this is kind of related to the spare time thing. I do not have early classes or anything now, so when I do wake up, it feels empty. I don't want to wake up but I force myself up. The days where it rains in the morning is the most depressing, I don't know why, it just is. I feel empty when I hear the sound of rainfall when I wake up. I think this is more of a now thing, it's not always like this as I always has loved the rain, but this time it's different (it has also been raining a lot in the morning, and the rain stopped when people actually leave their home ~8am).
The other thing is that recently, there's lots of friends that visits my home/I go to a friend's home. It's nice, I like the social part of it. Unfortunately, it feels like I enjoy the first 30 minutes, but then I feel like retreating cause it feels super draining, but I can't. If they come to my house, I would feel like a bad host (my housemates isn't really helpful in this part), I feel obliged to stay, and then it gets less fun, and more of a chore. But then the times when I really do stay in my room, I feel sad too. I wan't their company too, but I don't want to be there, but also I do. It's super annoying. When I do visit a friend's (they love to bake, and always have some pastries for us), I often bring a book (WHO DOES THIS?!) so that I could just retreat myself to some corner, read for awhile, then rejoin the group. It feels super rude, but I don't know man, it's tough. The best times to visit my friend's is when they're studying I guess, because the time when we converse is usually their break from studying, so when they do go back to their studies, I stay and read in the same corner. The cons of this is that when they're studying, they do usually do not want guest at their home because you know, that's not how you treat guests. I want to tell them it's okay, cause I don't wanna be in my home anyway but it's a hard concept to convey. I sound like the worst guest eh, heh.
If anyone's reading this, you might think: "Hey, it seems like you need someone to talk to, you could talk to me and stuff" something like that, but it's not that easy for me. I'm not as open as my housemates, who seems to be able to just walk into my room and go like "Hey Jerry, I wanna talk about something". I can't do that. People seem to be able to open up to me, they would just come up to me and honestly, I would genuinely listen; but I can't do the same as what they do to me. There's some kind of complex going on there and It's a box that I do not want to open.
Not only that, in all honestly, I don't think I would be able to speak about the contents of this blog casually to anyone. I guess this is one of my coping mechanism? I know it's strange, that by typing this, theoretically, anyone could read it: my family, someone else's' family, the Kremlin, some complete stranger or even an acquaintance that I don't really know but they somehow stumbled here and actually somehow curious enough to read till here. So maybe, this blog is just a way of talking to "someone" while also not talking to an actual person. Genius right? Of course this isn't everything, I ain't gonna pour my heart in public.
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So what now? What are my future plans? To tell the truth, it's completely unclear to me too.
But for now, my plan now is after I get my study permit approved, I would then extend my Visa, then I would buy tickets to UK. The plan is to visit Maps in the UK (as she now has an internship there) after my final exams, and then celebrate New Years with her in Madrid. While in the midst, I guess I would try to apply for a work permit in Canada.
While of course in between, not fail any courses of course, so I could finally graduate.
Throughout my life, I picked up some languages. I'm not exactly proficient in it, but hey it's something. I've also been looking up the job market for a person with a bachelors in statistics, and prospects ain't good here in Newfoundland, so I'll probably have to look for a job elsewhere. My main goal right now is to shoot out my resumes to theses places: Germany, Mainland Canada, and Sweden. Maps did mentioned that I could also apply in other English speaking countries, and I thought about it. She suggested the UK, while Australia and NZ came to mind, but they aren't exactly places where I actually want to settle down, but it doesn't hurt to just send resumes towards that direction too. But not the US though, naaahhh.
So right now, that's my current life story I guess, and what I would want in it. Currently, my summer ain't as fun as I thought it'd be but I guess I'll just roll with punches and hope for the best.
Thank you for reading by the way. I know this is a blog and all but there is a reason why I do write it up online rather than just in an actual physical diary of sorts. Thanks for staying till the end and stuff, and as a token of appreciation, I'll leave you with a fitting song to cap this post off:
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