State of Mind

  I was extremely worried that after the exams, and after the last class of Aikido ended, I'd spiral into this self loathing lifestyle of sorts. I was kind of right.

  I could have slept for a proper 8 hours and all, and I'd still wake up feeling like shit, with no motivation to do anything. My room's a mess and I want to clean it but I can't bring myself to clean it. There's always this constant buzzing in my noggin and that bzzz is seriously demotivating. In short, I ain't happy. I'm not happy right now, and all this free time is pretty much not helping. My leg's also been acting up, so that's no good. I'm trying to do all the usual "feel good" things like do more of the things I like, reduce my social media usage, cleaning the place (still working on that), and other stuff. But still, I still feel... empty... demotivated, not sad. Well, I would say I'm sad because of this constant feeling of void, and not the other way around. There's been lots of gatherings and stuff lately (it is post-exam after all), I've tried to attend most of them and now I'm just burnt out. There reaches a point where it got no fun for me to at these gatherings but ugh, I dunno.

  On the brighter side of things, which I'm constantly trying to tell myself, is that I'm stubborn. I'm stubborn as heck when it comes to certain things, and right now this stubbornness is what I need. I guess I have always been stubborn. I am stubborn in games, in relationships, heck, even in terms of dining. There's a reason why I avoid all-you-can-eat sushi, cause I know the moment I get into that thing, I tell myself: quantity over quality, then I go home feeling bloated and sucky. In games, if I have this strategy, most of the time I'm just gonna go for it, and in relationships, well, I'm stubborn in the sense that I ain't giving up until perhaps I get cheated on or something (that being said, it's not like I ignore all the flaws, it's more that I accept it and what not). Like a bull in a china shop, this stubbornness can be bad, and I try to circumvent this by being extremely extremely picky about things. But hey, whatever. Right now, my stubbornness is the one supporting me through this tough times. My stubbornness is the one that tells me: "so what you have -33 win streak in your Isaac run, let's go!" (My God do I hate Apollyon)

  Either way, yeah, ain't good right now but let's go?

Figure 32.1: Platinum God baby!