I'm no stranger to people around me passing away. One of the most shocking passing so far was my cousin, who passed away in a car crash. I remember when my mom just came and told me: "Ah Pei 姐姐刚车祸走了。" I literally had this face: o_o. I didn't say anything, I just stared at my mom. I believe I was in college that time, I wasn't really close with her, but she's still family. I read the news article about the accident, there was a photo of her mom (my aunt) bawling at the funeral, it was a pretty sad photo. Unfortunately, I didn't attend the funeral. It was during exams and it was a few hours drive up north. Maybe I could have delayed my exams but my parents and I both agreed that it's too much of a hassle, all the things they have to sign and stuff so I remained at home while my parents go back to the hometown for the funeral. Yeah, it was quite surreal.
I was in a long distance relationship with this girl (let's call her Torino) during my second semester here in Memorial. I believe she's second generation Italian? Her parents are from Vietnam but she was born and raised in Italy. What that means is that she has like 10+ aunts and uncles (like a regular traditional Asian family that era), and one of the closest aunt of her dads passed away (stroke I think). I remember it was a huge hassle. She was staying up all night translating Italian to Vietnamese/Vietnamese to Italian etc. etc. Not only was it an emotional time, it was also an extremely busy time, she had no time to mourn and to be sad.
A few years after that, the Giantess' grandpa passed. I don't think I remember what was the circumstances. I wasn't there at the time (just like how I wasn't there during Torino's), but I remember about the things she told me. I remember that when I arrived, the passing of the grandpa was still... there... I was told that her mom took it really hard (it was the morfar/外公). And then that's when the passing of a partner comes in. It's not just the sadness and the mourning, but there's also a lifestyle change, especially when it's your partner, and you're the one alive I guess. Heh, morbid I know. She began her move out of her little lovely cottage to this apartment. I guess it gets lonely, and the house maintenance would be a little much for one old lady. The mormor was a sweet old lady though, can't believe she still remembered some of the English she learned from school.
I remember I was just on my computer that time, text some friends back in St John's, talking bout work and stuff, when suddenly she messaged the group saying that :"Chester Bennington has passed away". Y'kno, I googled it to make sure it ain't a fake, and then I told the Giantess and my Liga whatsapp group. I will never forget that one day, I think it was 3 days after I heard the news, I was washing the dishes and suddenly I started tearing up. Yeah, looking back, that was pretty interesting.
After I came back from Sweden to St John's, La Dame passed away just after a week after I saw her in the university. That one was surprising (kind of). When I saw her in the university, she was cheerful as always and she invited me to her place for Christmas just like every year, business as usual. Then suddenly, a close mutual friend messaged me the news. Apparently it was a heart attack. She fainted in the middle of a hike and the people she was with couldn't get her to some facility quick enough. I remember during her funeral, when we were all saying good things about her, one of the close friends got up and basically said: "I'm not sad, I'm angry!" Basically, her diet was atrocious. It was comprised of spaghetti, pasta sauce, and loads and loads of diet coke and pepsi. He said that he's been telling her that she needs to cut down on all these unhealthy stuff, and now it's too late. It was different, but that was him, he's that kind of guy and I respect him for it.
The next year...a few months ago actually, I heard news that my aunt has passed away, and then like 2 weeks later, the uncle (the husband). That one was a surprise and also not a surprise. The uncle was basically a chimney, smokes like 3 packets a day. My aunt passing first just shows how destructive secondhand smoke is I guess. That one was sad, because her house was kind of the de facto gathering place for the family. It's the only house big enough to fit like, 15 households? Everytime I go back to Malaysia, I will most definitely visit her place. She's already a grandmother, having grandkids and all, and she had like 9 siblings. I could just imagine the hospital and the funeral was just filled with family. Not only that, because the husband passed not long after she did, it feels.... strangely okay... Like, everything works out at the end sort of thing.
Just a few days ago, my dad messaged our family whatsapp group, telling us that the family has decided to remove my grandmother from life support, citing that the cancer has spread to both of her lungs. She's also been in a coma for awhile. My dad basically ended the message with: "So, I think we have to accept it." Boy oh boy, was I bawling that day. I called to tell work I couldn't come, and stayed home the whole day. I believe I was in my pyjamas the entire time. I was supposed to go to a friend's place to celebrate a birthday but I just couldn't, not with the mood. For as long as I have the ability to remember, this grandma is the only grandparent I have. I have not met anyone else as they all have passed away either way before I was born or when I was a little baby, so this one, this one is tough. Isn't it strange that I have never really used the word 公公 or 婆婆 in my life?
My dad has been keeping us updated on grandma's case. My mom has been in the hospital together with her brothers with their mom. The latest update is that she's still hooked up to the life support machine, still in a coma, but is now stable. The doctor also did say that from now on, it's all up in the air. We have to wait for a few days to see what happens. I wonder what's happening back home. My dad has never been the emotional kind, and only send information that we need to know. How's my mom doing? How's my aunt and uncles doing? How's my cousin doing? She lives with grandma, I wonder what's happening over there? I want to ask but I also don't want to ask.
Honestly, for an 83 year old lady, grandma is a goddamn fighter. She has been living an extremely healthy lifestyle. Back when she used to live by herself, she wakes up early in the morning everyday to attend Tai chi, goes to the morning market and do groceries, goes to the temple, tend to her doggies, make food, and then I believe she goes to sleep at around 7pm or 9pm. When she got too old, there was an argument going on in the family, whether she should move closer to her sons or not. We all live in the capital, while she lives down south. As she get older, she becomes more dependent, and we couldn't just drop by and check up on her if she's living 4 hours away. Basically, it was an argument if the pros outweighs the cons, as that means she has to give up all her friends, all this routine activity, to come live with us at the city. Well it happened, and my cousin moves in with her just cause.
I dunno, the thought that she's going to go, not because she went, but because we pulled the plug just wrecked me. If it were just news that she has passed, I'll still probably be sad, but would be at peace with it quicker. But knowing that they have decided to turn off the life support machine just... ugh... It feels like giving up, y'know? I understand that her condition is less than ideal: old age, cancer on both lungs, coma; but still... It's.... I mean I have always been a stubborn boy, so it feels like I just can't accept this. I also see the grim reality of it, let's say she did survive, but what kind of quality of life would she be having? I just... ugh...
UPDATE: Well, I guess its time. She's not getting any better. I've been told that the priests have came and gave their blessings and all. Apparently, the cancer cells are already out of control and her age isn't helping either. Mom has not been talking on the group, it must be a tough time back home. I want to be there. I want to be there for all of this. I wanted to be there for Torino, for the Giantess, and especially my family but not only I'm not there, I have no one here with me. I'm physically and metaphorically on this isolated island.
